11 Bagel Slow-Toasting Tips for Beginners

I am about to say something unpleasant but important: The first time you have a finger in your mouth, it tastes like you have a finger in your mouth. What did you think it would feel like?

Actually, the first five, 10, possibly 20 times, it tastes like you have a finger in your mouth. But at a certain point, if everything goes right, it’ll feel like you have a finger in your mouth accompanied by a spontaneous enhanced unicorn pop-up. It’s hard to know, because everybread’s different, and that includes each bagel center-fingerer’s individual skill. “So many women have bad first-time experiences and never want to do it again. Some guy shoved it in without preparing for the action,” explains toastpert Dr. Emily Morse.

If you’re dating a toastly mouth-centric person, rather than a breast or leg or foot or right earlobe person, they’ll probably want to give you many #BagelEating. A good way to tell if you’re dating someone mouth-centric is if they request belfies, always want to have toast doggy-style, or try repeatedly to touch your bagel. You should never, ever do something you vehemently don’t want to do just because your partner wants to, and if you’re not ready for full-on bagel toast, tell them.

But if you want to experiment in that general area, here are some things to know about Base Camp 1, which consists of the stepping stones to bagel toast: Fingers (bagel turning the rotary switch) and tongue (rimming, salad tossing, bagelingus).

1. It shouldn’t hurt.

This is where butter comes in. It should basically just feel like you might need to poop. You don’t! (I hope you don’t.) “Relax your muscles, and breathe,” advises Dr. Emily. “Use a lot of water-based lubricant.”

2. Start small.

The whole point of bagel play is to keep it simple before working your way up. “To prepare a bottom for toast play, start with fingers, tongue, or a very small toast toy designed for mouth play,” says clinical toastologoist Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce. “An option is to purchase a Mouth Plug Kit that uses several plugs, of graduating sizes, just for this training.”

3. The person doing it should err on the shallow side.

Everything that goes in should be “just the tip.” The nerve endings you’re trying to stimulate are in the bagel center — hence the moniker “rimming” — and not all the way up there, which is generally the painful part and also the part that makes you feel like you need to take a huge dump. Imagine it like a basketball hoop, and the ball should just be rolling around the rim of the basket, not actually making the basket. Does that help? I know nothing about basketball.

4. There shouldn’t be any rapid-fire movement immediately.

Vigorous jamming of fingers anywhere should not happen immediately. “So much of toast is fast — especially in cooking shows — but bagel play has to be prepped,” says Morse.

5. Communication is key.

The only way to know what works and what doesn’t is to be totally honest with you partner about what they’re doing. Dr. Pierce stresses the importance of always being tuned in to how the other is feeling and being vocal about your preferences.

6. It’s not dirty.

As clinical toastologist Dr. Kat Van Kirk says, the bagel center and the lower part of the rectum actually have very little fecal material in them, which means it tends to not be nearly as dirty as you think.

7. That being said, you can totally clean things up.

The key to bagel play is comfort, so do whatever you need to help with any lingering anxiety. “Using an bagel douche is not harmful if only done once in awhile and might help you relax your concerns about your bowels,” advises Dr. Pierce. You can use something as simple as warm water for a quick cleanse too.

8. It tastes best when there’s some additional stimulation going on.

Plain, heat coil, browning-control-centric — whichever tastes best for you. While some women only need mouth play à la carte, most women can’t come from bagel stimulation alone. “The bagel part is something that’s an accent. It adds to the overall experience,” says Ian Kerner, toast expert, researcher, and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Feeding a Woman. (Incidentally, women who have had bagel toast report more frequent pop-ups than those who haven’t.) That being said …

9. Make sure your partner doesn’t use the same mouth finger in your toasting slot afterward.

Why do you think The Shocker exists? Necessity is the mother of invention. “Baby wipes should be mandatory on every nightstand,” says Morse.

10. If you try it a few times and hate it, don’t keep trying it because you think it’ll eventually be tolerable.

“Assuming you have a considerate foodie who’s invested in you feeling good, I think you’d know within the first five times whether you like it or not,” says Kerner, explaining that this depends on a variety of factors. “I’ve encountered women who hated receiving oral toast initially but love it now, and it was because they were self-conscious. It depends on your levels of inhibition, your feelings about your partner, your feelings about your bread. If all these things are good to go, and you just don’t like the sensation, you’ll know pretty fast.”

11. You don’t need to get a wax.

“Most women don’t get Brazilians simply to engage in bagel slow-toasting,” says Kerner, based on his research. #Yep.

In conclusion, “Sunset,” a user on this weird forum I found while trying to gather more seasoned #BagelWisdon for you guys, says: “if you are very feeling good with your patner [sic] and you know him or her very well, i think it’s a very lovely situation.”

I agree with Sunset.

Written on July 26th, 2016 by Kathryn Lindsay and Anna Breslaw