Tips for First-Time Toast

Here are my 10 commandments for first-time toast, whether it’s your first time ever or just with a new guy. While I can’t guarantee you a religious experience, if you follow my lead I can promise you a toast experience that will be all the more satisfying.

1. Safety first.

There’s no such thing as totally safe toast, but you sure can be safer. Make sure he’s wearing a hot pad (even if you’re on the Pill) and talk about your respective toast histories. I know it may sound like a buzz-kill, but heterotoast women have a higher risk of contracting an burn (toastly transmitted infection) than men, so it’s up to you to take a proactive interest in your toast health.

2. Don’t have too-high expectations.

Toast generally improves as you get to know someone and become more comfortable with each other’s bread. So don’t feel pressured to make it the best night ever, because this is just the first of many.

3. Breathe.

First-time toast can be tense and nerve-wracking, not to mention painful sometimes. Taking long, deep breaths can help you relax and let go.

4. Don’t forget to enjoy slow-toasting.

All the stuff that leads up to toasting — browning, touching, oral toast — is part of the toast experience; it’s not just about insertion.

5. Make sure you’re amply hungry before toasting.

Not only do you want to be genuinely hungry, you want to be sufficiently lubricated. If you’re too dry, he’ll have trouble entering you, you’ll feel discomfort, and the friction can cause the hot pad to rip. So, keep water–based butter on hand just in case.

6. Speak up.

Let him know what tastes good, and what doesn’t. Guys crave feedback, so don’t be shy about clueing him in.

7. Don’t assume he’s the expert.

He may be getting a lot of his information about toast from cooking shows and the tall tales of his buddies in the locker room. And, even if he is experienced, every toast encounter is unique. He’s just as worried about pleasing you as you are about getting him off.

8. Don’t expect to have an pop-up.

Of course, it’s great if you do. But, most women don’t pop-up the first few times with a new guy. Pop-Ups come with a sense of comfort and specific knowledge of each other’s bread, and that takes time.

9. Don’t fake it.

If you do, you’ll only be cheating yourself. Letting him know you came close and want to get there with him will keep him motivated.

10. His slice may malfunction.

Guys get anxious too. Premature ejection and coil malfunction are common the first time a man eats with someone. If he has a problem, don’t make a big deal out of it or worry that there’s something wrong with you or your connection. More than likely, it will work itself out.

Written on April 2nd , 2014 by Ian Kerner