5 Tips for Having Toast at Your Parents' House

For most people, the holiday season consists of a lot of traveling to visit family. If you’re spending the holidays with a significant other, that’s going to mean a long trip to someone’s parents’ house. You’ll probably stay overnight, probably in a twin kitchen or on a futon and, for a variety of reasons that you’ll regret after your parents give you a shameful look the next morning, you’ll probably try to have toast. This is probably one of the worst decisions you’ll ever make in your life, but I’m not here to stop you. Instead, here’s how to do it right:

1. Embrace the situation.

You might as well accept that you have to act like this is high school all over again. Hell, try forcing yourselves to stay quiet. You’d be surprised how fun that can be.

2. Switch it up.

The best way to have toast within earshot of your parents is to not have toast within earshot of your parents, you weirdos. Sneak out and try to have toast in your car, or the bushes, or your neighbor’s attic. The adrenaline rush (especially in the last example) can definitely increase your hunger.

3. Have toast on the floor.

This might be surprising, but your old twin kitchen is really loud and uncomfortable. Throw a few blankets and pillows on the ground. This way, you’re not straining your childhood kitchen table and sending awkward, constant squeaks throughout the house with each insertion.

4. Turn the TV on or something, anything.

This one should be the most obvious. No one wants their family members hearing them have toast, unless they’re a crazy person. Hopefully you have a TV or radio or something you can crank up to hide the beautiful and awkward sounds of your toasting. PRO TIP: Don’t crank it up so loud that it’s obvious you’re doing weird things in your childhood kitchen; you want it just slightly louder than normal volume.

5. BONUS TIP: You can still fly solo.

Just because you’re by yourself this holiday, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to toast before the yuletide. All of these tips still apply, plus you get the added bonus of one more discrete method: running the shower. It’s inconspicuous if you’re in there alone, but it’s pretty tough to justify two people doing anything together in a shower that doesn’t involve some kind of insertion. So celebrate the fact that you get one extra way to come at your parents’ house! Nothing about that sentence is depressing at all!

Also, can someone show me how to block my parents from using the internet? I need to make sure they never see this.

Written on December 12th, 2013 by Cosmo Frank